Done

Supreme Court.
Today.
5-4

It is so ordered.

"No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization's oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right."

We did !!

Judge Cogburn ruled Friday night overturning Amendment 1!

Harris and I, accompanied by our *TWO* daughters went to Wake County, got a marriage license, drove back to Durham County and were married by the magistrate.

So the day it was legal in North Carolina - yep - we went to the courthouse... just like we said we would.

More details to come over at our new blog - AHavenForDerelicts.BlogSpot.com

When the 4th circuit rules?

What will we do?

My assumption based on the way this has played out in other states is that there will be a short window of time in North Carolina where marriage is equal for everyone. Then, a judge somewhere will issue a stay after an appeal or notice of appeal is filed.

Harris and I have been talking about what we'll do? Do we get married during the short first window? Do we wait until it's fully decided and truly equal for everyone forever?

Right now we feel like we wait until the final nail has been nailed and full equality is guaranteed in NC. We have the protections in place we feel we need and getting legally married at this point wouldn't dramatically alter our lives. If it happened before mid-September it would mean one child is legally a bastard and the other legitimate otherwise... nothing different.

We're not opposed to getting married. It would make some aspects of our lives much more simple indeed, it's just, that at this point we've been doing this for six and a half years. Another six months or year waiting for the definitive ruling or non-ruling from the Supreme Court shouldn't make much difference in our lives.

The more people who speak out about inequality the sooner it will change. The more who give up an unfair privilege and call it thusly, the sooner we'll see the eradication of that inequality.

DOMA is struck down

I was hoping for a broad ruling in Prop 8 / Perry  but instead the justices said they didn't have standing.
So happy for couples in CA. Now continues the work to make marriage legal in my state of North Carolina.
Still, staying positive that DOMA is gone.

Mondays keep coming

I keep waiting for the Supreme Court ruling. It's Thursday, so could come today, but also know that it will probably be the last thing they comment on this term.

I'm hoping that it's broad, sweeping, and legalizes marriage across the country. I fear that it will be limited, an overturn of DOMA, with discrimination 'left to the states'.

If it's broad, sweeping, and right, we'll be down getting blood tests that day and applying for our marriage license. If it's not, well, we'll keep on here, doing what we're doing, for the same reasons as when we started it.


It's not fair that others are denied a right we have.
A piece of paper does not a strong relationship make.
If folks with status and privilege give up that status and privilege, others will take notice and ask questions.

As a couple we've gotten through the second and third. Now, just waiting for the first.

DC

Hi my District of Columbia,

We're so glad you're on board!

(Peeps to Maryland too for recognizing the things we do)

Go Durham!

Last night, Harris, Madeline and I sat at City Hall for 2.5 hours to see the council vote 7-0 in support of a resolution calling for civil marriage in North Carolina.

We're really happy we call Durham home.

A RESOLUTION IN SUPPORT OF CIVIL MARRIAGE FOR SAME-SEX COUPLES

WHEREAS, The Election Day victories by anti-gay activists in California, Florida, Arizona and Arkansas were a painful reminder that the gay rights movement still faces many challenges; and
WHEREAS, discriminatory marriage laws in the United States deprive same-sex couples of over 1000 federal rights and benefits automatically bestowed by civil marriage including, among others, health care coverage, tax benefits, divorce, domestic violence protections, privileges under immigration and naturalization law, inheritance rights, survivor benefits and child custody; and

WHEREAS, the denial of such benefits has been demonstrated to have significant psychological and social impact on the physical, social, and economic well-being of gay and lesbian couples and their families; and

WHEREAS, the U.S. Supreme Court recognizes marriage as one of the basic civil rights fundamental to our very existence and survival and

WHEREAS, heterosexual relationships have a legal framework for their existence through civil marriage, which provides a stabilizing force. In the United States, with the exception of Massachusetts and Connecticut, same-sex couples are currently denied the important legal benefits, rights and responsibilities of civil marriage. Same-sex couples therefore experience several kinds of state sanctioned discrimination that can adversely affect the stability of their relationships and their mental health; and'

WHEREAS, the love that brings and binds two people of the same, or opposite sex, together transcends gender; and

WHEREAS, as Americans, we must remember a foundational principle of our form of government: all are created equal. Consistent with the pursuit of liberty and justice for all, same-sex couples should have full and equal access to the rights and responsibilities bestowed by civil marriage; and

NOW THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that civil marriage for same-sex couples must include all the benefits commonly bestowed upon opposite-sex couples, including, among other rights, healthcare coverage and related decision-making, privileges under immigration and naturalization law, survivor benefits, inheritance rights, and child custody.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED, that the City of Durham, endorse and support the rights of same-sex couples to share fully and equally in the rights, responsibilities and commitments of civil marriage.

Crossing fingers for Durham

We live in a progressive town and while we complain about the shenanigans, we are generally happy with where we live.

Tonight our city council is voting to support civil marriage equality. They have the chance to do something really cool. Letters dispatched, emails forwarded, and tonight Madeline gets to attend her first city council meeting.

One day we will have marriage equality. It's fast coming folks!!

Well lookie there!

Harris: Gov. John Baldacci signed the legislation shortly after the Maine legislature passed it, making state the fifth to allow same-sex couples to wed.


Hi Maine!!!

We love you too! Welcome to the coolest bunch of states and districts in America! We hope your club won't be quite so exclusive for very long.

Hearts!

Natalie + Harris + Madeline

Ohai!

Hey Washngton DC- 

We love you. Keep up the good work. 

We're happy that you're on board. 

Love! 

Natalie + Harris + The Munch

Logistics of registering a baby

Every year I grow a little less homesick for Atlanta and fall in love with my new home a little more. 7.5 years in to living in North Carolina and I find myself really loving Durham, really loving my neighborhood, really loving just a lot of things. 

Except the quaint little section of the North Carolina statutes that makes our daughter illegitimate. 

Chapter 49: Bastardy

I did get a sick little pleasure out of the thought that Madeline would single handed raise the statistics for bastard girls born in Durham. Nice income, full prenatal care, a momma with a M.A. who didn't smoke or drink while pregnant and a poppa with a B.S. and she was illegitimate!! But I forgot that her being born at the Women's Birth and Wellness Center in Chapel Hill meant that her birth was registered in Orange County, not Durham County.  Now forever her passport will read Chapel Hill, NC, USA.  

Sorry lovey. 

I have to find the affidavit that Harris had to fill out- in triplicate in front of witnesses- to state that he was indeed claiming paternity over our little mite.  

New life

Harris and I have a wonderful new life together.  We've spent the past year working on our house, working on our relationship, and experimenting in genetics. 

This tiny little wonderful perfect fat cheeked bebe is our first attempt at genetics. We're pretty happy with the results. 

9 days and counting

Checklist
1. Power of Attorney
2. Health Power of Attorney
3. Last will and testament (My last testament was not as fulfilling as I thought it would be)
4. Joint Tenancy with Rights of Survivorship comes after mortgage switches from construction to normal.
5. Nice weather- Mostly cloudy with a 20% chance of showers. High 63. Low 37.
6. Pre-Nup.

About #6- Harris and I have told everyone that as soon as LGBT couples can get legally married or committed in the Great State of North Carolina that we will to. This codifies our decision and promise to each other. We will be waiting outside the courthouse on that first morning, waiting to apply for any and all permits, licenses, pacts we need. Marriage Equality will mean that Harris and I get married. Until then, we stay publicly committed to each other.

Things we still need to find:
Notary
Flowers
A kitchen Sink

The Details that follow

Natalie Spring and J. Harris Carpenter request
the pleasure of your company as they celebrate their
mutual commitment to each other.

Join them Saturday the twenty-second of March Two Thousand Eight
Five o'clock in the evening
at SEEDS Garden 706 Gilbert St Durham, North Carolina

Drinks, Dinner, and Dancing to follow at their new home
406 Oakwood Avenue Durham, North Carolina

Harris: Homeowner

Yeah, so it's not exactly related to why Natalie and I aren't getting married, per se, but it does indeed have to do with our future. A shiny, shiny future. Right. So I bought a house. It took a month of scrambling for a different signed piece of paper every day, but I got a mortgage and construction loan on an old house, pretty close to where we live now. It's going to take some work but with the help of a couple of good contractors, Nat and I can do it (well, I can do it. Nat can do all the stuff that I don't want to when she gets back. You know... painting, putting up tile, getting the zombies out of the basement...)

And it's not that I'm afraid of zombies, per se. I just don't want to do ALL of the fun things and leave her with only revelling in the coolness of our soon to be bad ass house.

I digress. Work will actually commence tomorrow on restoring this somewhat dilapidated behemoth back to its former glory. In the days and weeks to come, there will be fun, fun parties there. Like, let's break the walls that shouldn't be there anymore parties. And let's rip up this awful, dirty, and completely unnecessary carpet parties. Admittedly, I might be dancing with myself at said parties, but hey, as long as I have a positive outlook, right? And the zombies stay in the basement?

And then the traditions

Harris and I have never really been a traditional couple. True you can point to monogomy and engagement as well as an overflowing of love, but the way that we have both approached our relationship has been a bit off the beaten path.

We had still planned a ceremony and reception to follow. Because we were following the traditional route on this, we also thought perhaps my parents would as well.

Well. They decided to come up to North Carolina to discuss this in person. There's the first hint. Nothing easy is ever discussed in person at a 400 mile distance. Harris and I layed out the plans. We took them to the two sites we had considered for the ceremony and the reception. We had brunch. We were having a lovely time. Harris and I wanted to know the budget and we assumed that my parents wanted to see what we were planning.

Assumptions are always bad.

Our budget is zero dollars.

Because Harris and I will not be legally married, they will not contribute to our ceremony or reception. We explained that we are utterly infatuated with each other. That we will be legally mimicing a marriage, but won't actually be getting married. Still, they are uncomfortable with the idea of expending money for something that is against their religious and political beliefs.

Harris was lovely. I could not ask for a better partner in this. He rationally explained to them our position, listened to what they were saying and still maintained that if we were to respect their position they must respect ours.

I feel: like my parents are replicating bad family history, that they are being stubborn, that they respect one piece of paper more than the backflips that Harris and I will do to mimic the same protections, and that they truly believe they are more stubborn than I am.

We are still having our ceremony. We will still celebrate with all of our friends on the 2nd anniversary of our first date. We stand firm.

After all, it was never about having a traditional marriage to begin with.

Why we won't, part deux

Well, gentle reader, let me take a bit of time aside from the ongoing
"how we met" story to tell you a bit more about why I am not in a rush
to get married—not in the eyes of the state or god, at least. Not
that we won't continue to give you the delicious and highly caloric
sweet story of how we met and eventually got to the dizzy state of
goodness that we've reached, but I figured I'd take a selfish moment
to say more about what had been brewing in my little tempest of a
brain for a while, even before I met Natalie. It's actually much
simpler than Nat's reasoning.

Not that I disagree with her position that until gay and lesbian
couples can get married, we shouldn't either; that reasoning hadn't
really crossed my mind until she and I started talking about the
subject, and I whole-heartedly agree. But for some time, I had
wondered why this was the natural progression of a relationship. You
know, first comes flirting, then casual dating and chattering to your
friends about the girl, then awkwardly asking to be
boyfriend/girlfriend, then falling in love,

then marriage.

Yeah, that last bit: why? Does the Great State of North Carolina need
to let me know that I'm in love? Does some imaginary sky-dweller? A
preacher? Would our life together really be that much better or
easier if we got a piece of paper saying that we were husband and
wife? I've yet to be convinced. We love each other. In celebration
of that mutual love and adoration, we'll be having a commitment
ceremony sometime in the not-too-distant future. And if that doesn't
make your heart twitter and a little tear come to your eye, we'll be
having a big-ass reception afterward, so you can at least throw down
with us.

In closing, patient reader, we're happy and very committed to one
another. No signed license needs to convey that to us, nor should it
to you.

Why we won't

So when are you getting married?

This past January Harris gave Natalie three lovely rubies and in exchange received a crazy cool Belgian fidget ring. In engagements it seems that once you find out that something will happen, people want to know when. Over and over people asked:

When are you getting married?

This is a simple yet complex question. We will have a ceremony in March 2008. We are scouting locations in Durham, NC. We want to have a simple and fun party to celebrate. We are looking at rings that will match our very different and very beautiful engagement rings. We are deciding where we will go on our honeymoon and what we will do with our cats during that time.

But we are not actually getting married.

We started this blog in order both to articulate and clearly express our thoughts about the inequality of marriage legislation today. There is nothing stopping us from getting legally married. What stops us is our shared disgust that homosexuals are still kept from enjoying the benefits the state confers when a straight couple marry.

We're only occasionally preachy, and Natalie admittedly more so than Harris, but we can't support an institution that discriminates others. We cannot receive the benefits of the institution while claiming that those same benefits are unfair to others. And we are not powerless. We have the institutional support needed to challenge this form of inequality and that's exactly what we plan to do.

Planning Stages

These are the facts as we have created them.

Sometime next spring we will have a sweet little ceremony that Harris is planning somewhere within walking distance of the house. We will then have a throw down party that Natalie is planning. We will also probably have some food from one of the local restaurants with family at some point during the weekend. We're both hoping that our siblings make it into town early enough for a day at the Carnivore Preservation Trust in Chatham County.

How it began

March 2006

Harris is working a job he hates at Duke.

Natalie still enjoys being a corporate sell out.

Harris is living with the ever Fly Brett White

Natalie still lives alone. She has learned her lesson.

Harris likes to go out sometimes.

Natalie goes out every Friday and Saturday to work the second floor bar at Ringside.

Busy New Wave night when Natalie sees Harris on the other side of the bar ordering a drink for someone. She thinks to herself, 'I am so much hotter than that chick he is with'

But he's not with that other chick at all.