Harris and I have never really been a traditional couple. True you can point to monogomy and engagement as well as an overflowing of love, but the way that we have both approached our relationship has been a bit off the beaten path.
We had still planned a ceremony and reception to follow. Because we were following the traditional route on this, we also thought perhaps my parents would as well.
Well. They decided to come up to North Carolina to discuss this in person. There's the first hint. Nothing easy is ever discussed in person at a 400 mile distance. Harris and I layed out the plans. We took them to the two sites we had considered for the ceremony and the reception. We had brunch. We were having a lovely time. Harris and I wanted to know the budget and we assumed that my parents wanted to see what we were planning.
Assumptions are always bad.
Our budget is zero dollars.
Because Harris and I will not be legally married, they will not contribute to our ceremony or reception. We explained that we are utterly infatuated with each other. That we will be legally mimicing a marriage, but won't actually be getting married. Still, they are uncomfortable with the idea of expending money for something that is against their religious and political beliefs.
Harris was lovely. I could not ask for a better partner in this. He rationally explained to them our position, listened to what they were saying and still maintained that if we were to respect their position they must respect ours.
I feel: like my parents are replicating bad family history, that they are being stubborn, that they respect one piece of paper more than the backflips that Harris and I will do to mimic the same protections, and that they truly believe they are more stubborn than I am.
We are still having our ceremony. We will still celebrate with all of our friends on the 2nd anniversary of our first date. We stand firm.
After all, it was never about having a traditional marriage to begin with.
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4 comments:
You two sound awesome! I really appreciate your reasons for not getting "married". I am hoping to move to the neighborhood soon (from Oakland, CA) and my girlfriend and I would love to meet you. I just started a blog here to document my adventure of finding a home and moving across country.
http://durhamdream.blogspot.com/
Anyway... seems like you totally rock-
Take Care!
Dante
Hi there, Harris & Natalie! I found your blog today while puttering around the internet, looking at Durham-related blogs. :)
I just wanted you to know that I totally and completely understand your position on this. My husband and I are married - both spiritually and legally. It annoyed me terribly that The Governement had to have a part in our union. For us, it was unavoidable as my husband is from England & a marriage visa is the only way we can guarantee that we can stay together. But lemme tell ya, it's terribly stressful to basically ask your federal government for permission to live with your beloved! The decision to marry is so extraordinarily personal. No one should should have a say in who can or cannot be married - including the government.
Anyway, best of luck to both of you!
Hey Dante! Thanks for your comment! It's been a little while since either Nat or I posted, and a lot has changed since then. For starters, Natalie is in Kosovo for 4 months on an internship. She's been gone for two and a half weeks, and so far, the house hasn't burnt down, the animals are being fed, and I've managed to get up for work every day without being shoved out of the bed.
Good luck with your move! What is it that attracted you to our fair city? I guess I'll just have to read your blog and find out, won't I?
Anyway, take care.
-Harris
Mary,
Thanks for your post, too. Are you in Durham as well? I'm glad that there are others out there who share our situation. I really like Nat and my situation, and don't feel the need to get the government involved, just as you say. Well, just as I already said, really.
Yeah, I've been bad about posting recently. For reasons that... well, I'll post about now (that and the comment I left for Dante a moment ago.)
Thanks!
Harris
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